Me and time
by Willowstar23
Summary: AU. When Bella dies for the first time after giving birth to Renesme she gets stuck in a time loop, always waking up back in Phoenix getting ready to go to Forks. This time though she's going to do things differently, this time she's going to live.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns twilight.**

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><p>~ 42<p>

I run through the forest, my heart pounding. As my foot gets caught in raised tree root I crash to the ground. My palms sting. I get up and keep on going. I can't stop. My lungs are burning and the harsh cold air drys out my throat. I wheeze trying to take in precious oxygen, I doesn't work but I don't stop. I have to keep running, it has to work this time.

I feel a sharp sting at the side of my head where a chunk of my hair has gotten caught in a branch and has been ripped out as I've ran past. The chestnut strands blow like a flag in the breeze. I'm almost there, I can hear the thundering crashes that signify two vampires colliding. I can hear the roars and the growls of fury both wolven and vampire alike.

As I scramble over the last few rocks in order to get to the clearing I slip and tumble back down to the bottom, my bloodied hands making it hard to grip the smooth solid rock. I had told Edward that I would be fine up the mountain with just Seth, I hadn't tried to dissuade him when he wanted to fight with his family. It hadn't been that hard then to convince Seth to leave before the battle started and that I didn't need baby sitting. Content that I'd be fine he ran back down the mountain to help out his brothers. Admittedly he did it and lot faster and a lot more gracefully than I'm doing now.

When I finally make it over the rocks I sprint down the last slope through the trees and in to the clearing. There are vampires everywhere.

It's hard to distinguish where everyone is or what's happening because everything is moving so fast. It hurts my eyes to look.

Screech!

I whip my head around at the noise to see Emmet rip the arms off a bleach blonde female vampire, her pale marble face contorted with rage.

I reach in to my pocket and pull out the small pocket knife I brought for this very moment. I lift it to my wrist and barely wince as the blade cuts in to my skin and I drag it backwards across the vein. Hot scarlet red blood gushes from the cut and it seems as though every single vampires attention is suddenly on me. There's a fraction of stillness where I hold my breath and then everything starts up again but only twice as frantic and brutal than before.

The newborns attention is only on me and they don't pay attention to the Cullen's or the wolves, making them easy pickings. It's seems as though jaspers idea is working, my blood is driving them crazy. The newborns can't focus and are being killed before they can reach me. Only a few vampires are now left and I can already see we've clearly won. The wolves converge on a solitary vampire who's trying to escape back through the trees and as they rip his head off I sigh in relief. It seems that everything going to be fine, until it isn't.

A small girl bursts out of the bushes to the right and lunges at me. I remember her name is Bree. How could I forget, how could I not remember something so important as her hiding out in the bushes trying to retreat at the last moment? I look around for the nearest Cullen and lock on to Edwards eyes. He looks at me with a mixture of immense love, hunger, panic and betrayal. They're all to far away, they won't reach me in time. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to get roughed up a bit and then they would turn me before anything else happened. Now it too late.

My breath comes out in a gush as her cold unyielding dead body crashes in to my soft human form and we're sent flying across the clearing. I feel the sharpness of her claws as they dig in to my arms and shred the skin. My bones creak and shatter under her grip and I feel the skin on my back rip off layer by layer as we slide across the grass me underneath her, my back to the earth. The sheer agony makes me cry out silently as my back arches under the unbearable storm of pain.

As we come to a stop she growls feraly, her eyes wild with hunger and she pushes my head to the side causing a large snap and I join the familiar blackness of death as she snaps my neck and lunges for my throat.

~ 43

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

I roll over and hit my alarm. Sighing deeply I open my eyes to the all to familiar sight of my bedroom ceiling. Back again.

I was sure that this time I would be able to do it, that this time I wouldn't die. But it seems as though the universe is conspiring against me, I always die, every time.

I remember the first time I died and woke back up. I thought it was all a dream, just my mind playing tricks on me during the change, maybe a side affect of the morphine Edward gave me to help with the pain. My mum thought I was on drugs when I started asking about Edward and my baby and started running over the house looking for them. It wasn't until Renee said about me being nervous about going to live in forks that I started to act rationally and started to play along, that was great if I could get to forks I could get to the Cullen's. They would be able to fix this.

I reassured Renee by telling her it was just a really vivid dream I'd had and that I'd been married with a child and it was just hard to shake it off when I woke up. She laughed as if it was perfectly normal and started telling me about some of her wacky dreams that she'd had. I wasn't really listening though, my mind was already in forks. I was really hoping Carlisle would be able to fix this and send me back to where I came from, or that I would eventually wake up.

Poor Charlie. As soon as I got to the house I hardly paid him any attention, too eager to get him out the way so that I could sneak off to the Cullen mansion. I knew the way there like the back of my hand hand so it wasn't hard to get there even in the dark.

To say they were surprised at seeing me would be an understatement. Carlisle was fascinated at the possibility of me coming from a different dimension and vowed to research everything he could about alternate dimensions until he could get me home. I was relieved and the rest of the family were excited though still slightly cautious after what I'd told them.

As I went to sleep that night I'd been reassured that even if everything wasn't a dream I would still be able to get home.

Because of my prior knowledge of James and the nomads appearing at the game, I hadn't been invited to the baseball match and was stuck at home with Edward guarding me. For the next couple of days he barely let me out of his sight. After a week though he became more relaxed and with some convincing I managed to get him to go hunting with his brothers.

This turned out to be the first of many mistakes. The nomads curious at smelling vampires around my house had hung around for a few more days to see the reason for it. When James had seen how Edward acted around me he saw me as a most treasured prize he just had to have.

It wasn't until I woke the next morning in my bed back in Phoenix that I realised I wasn't dimension hopping, I was going back in time, doing things over again like in those action films, but they were all trying to stop something, trying to save someone. Why was _I_ doing this, _how_ was I doing this? People die everyday, what was special about me? How was _I_ different?

It was something I'd pondered for many nights for many years but never been able to figure out, or maybe I had known but had been unable to admit it. Now as I'm laying here after waking up for the 43rd time in my room in Phoenix, its hard to hide from the answer thats staring me in the face, and has been for the last ten times I've done this.

The person I was trying to save was my self.

I'd tried everything. Falling in love with Edward, not falling in love with Edward, falling in love with jake, not getting pregnant, telling the Cullen's the truth, getting changed during the James incident, getting turned in Italy by the volturi, nothing seemed to work. The farthest I'd ever gotten was on my 19th attempt when I'd lived past the birth of Renesme but only to be killed by the volturi for creating an immortal child.

I think the universe was trying to tell me something, maybe I'm not supposed to be a vampire, maybe I'm not supposed to go to forks and fall in love with Edward, maybe fate has other plans.

It seems that every time that I go to forks every decision, every possible possible path I take I always end up dead and right back where I started. Even if I've never met the Cullen's I always die, like the time I decided to skip the first day of school where I meet Edward and instead I was ploughed in to by a logging truck that had swerved out of the path of a deer that had suddenly darted across the road. I remember being thrown from the cab of the truck and bleeding out by the side of the road.

I took a deep and weary breath strengthening my resolve. As much as it would hurt me, as much as it would kill me never to see Alice again or hear the sound Edwards sweet honey like voice, I would do this, I would let go. For the first time since this had started happening, I wouldn't go to Forks, I wouldn't meet the Cullen's, and I wouldn't fall in love with Edward.

I would never see or hear of Edward Cullen again, and it broke my heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer, all other ideas are mine.

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><p>"Bella" Charlie says pulling me in to a quick hug.<p>

The hug has long since stopped surprising me. After you've lived through the exactly the same thing over and over again you stop being surprised by almost everything. My father looks just the same as all the other times I've seen him, even though his expression becomes a little more pained every time I greet him with less and less enthusiasm.

I can't help it. I've tried to greet him more excitedly over the years but I'm tired and I've always been a bad actor. Charlie may miss a lot, but he _is_ a cop and he's observant like me. He knows when he's being lied to and like every other time he just chooses to ignore it. Denial seems to come naturally to Swan's.

I should tell him, I should blurt it out now. I'd built up the courage to tell Renee before leaving for the airport. She'd been very accepting with me not going to live with Charlie, but had suggested that I use the already paid for ticket to at least go visit him and tell him myself. I hadn't seen him since last Christmas she had reminded me, and then I had felt guilty. So with a heavy heart I'd boarded the plane planning on the best way to break the news.

" I've missed ya Bells."

"You too dad."

"I'm so glad you decided to come here for your last year of school, I thought you hated forks. 'Too much rain'." He says quoting one of the things I'd told him to get him to come visit me in California for two weeks instead of me going to see him.

"Yeah" I say awkwardly, "actually about that..."

Tell him my mind is screaming. _Tell him._ But I can see the hurt flash briefly in his expressive chocolate brown eyes, which are identical to mine. Then comes the acceptance and defeat. It's then I realise that in all the times I've come to live in forks he's never actually believed I would stay. It's probably why he never said anything all the times I ran off somewhere leaving him. Then I feel awful. You know what they say about the best made plans...

"... I'm really glad to be here too."

...gang aft agley.

His eyebrows raise and a look of shocked surprise flitters across his face before he clears his throat and pats me on the back.

"Well I guess we'd better get home kiddo, there's a game on this afternoon. Billy and Jacob are coming 'round to watch it. Their TVs broken."

And that's the end of the conversation until we get to the house and he shows me my new, or old depending on how you look at it, truck.

After unpacking all my stuff I get started on dinner whilst reading a new novel I picked up at the airport, and surprisingly it's not a classic. I quickly realised that there's only so many times you can read the same book without eventually getting incredibly mind numbingly bored by it. Besides, I feel as if I've somehow out grown the works of Bronte, Austen and Shakespeare. Their stories about mr Darcy and Heathcliff suddenly seemed silly and fickle. A love that transcends all boundaries only seems sad and depressing not awe inspiring and romantic as it used to. Love is hard, it's not all sunshine and daisies.

As I'm taking the curry sauce off the heat the door bell rings. Billy and Jacob are here.

"Smells good" Billy comments from the hallway as Jacob wheels him inside. "Thanks" I shout, "I hope you like chicken pasanda."

"Bella, it's good to see you, you've grown."

"Thanks. Dinners served."

"Looks good bells" Charlie says warily before tentatively taking a bite. He's always like this at the first meal, always afraid that I'm as bad a cook as my mother. He sighs in relief at the taste and digs in with gusto.

"There's crumble for pudding."

Jacobs grins. "We should come round more often."

"Who's playing again?" I ask as they start to talk football.

"Mariners and the bears" Jacobs whispers excitedly from beside me.

"Huh" I say and then grin. "Hey Jacob, I bet you 50$ the mariners win 32 to 17."

The table goes quiet and Charlie stares at me. Jacob looks shocked before he grins madly and holds out his hand for me to shake on it. "You're on."

"You know I feel bad taking your money like this."

I nod absentmindedly, going back to my food. "Just tell me who wins." There's no amount of money that would make me willing enough to watch a football, game myself. No chance.

After collecting my winnings from Jacob, it wasn't really fair but I have to get some enjoyment from somewhere, I went to bed. After an hour of tossing and turning though it became evident that I wasn't going to get any sleep anytime soon. Giving up I pulled out my new book and got lost in the words of Cecelia Ahern's 'A place called here'.

By the time lunch rolls around next day I'm ready to kill someone. I have no idea how the Cullen's do it. Doing high school over and over again is enough to make anyone insane. By now I know almost all of the lectures off by heart and haven't revised for anything in what feels like years. I spent most of the morning thinking about new recipes to try for tonight's dinner. If I was a vampire I definitely wouldn't spend eternity in a place most consider to be a living form of hell. I feel ready to choke Jessica with her own tounge if she doesn't stop yapping at me, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep my cool through lunch.

Luckily Angela seems to sense my distress and steers me away from Jessica to sit next to her. I smile gratefully at her. Is this what I sounded like when I first met the Cullen's? Just another bratty immature teenager? I knew I wasn't quite at the level of Jessica but I was still terribly inexperienced with the world, a side effect of constantly living with my head inside a book. Did they see me the way I see my classmates now, naive and childishly innocent?

I slowly eat my cafeteria bought sandwich as I ponder the how's and why of the Cullen family. I wonder if my life is like this sandwich, it looks alright but then when you start eating it it's kind of disappointing. The lettuce is wilted and floppy and the tomatoes are sour. It's ok for now but it'll only put you on until you get home and can have something better. Was I only a distraction for them? Surely there must have been other humans that had discovered their secret over the years,I can't have been the only one.

"Bella, are you coming to biology?" The nearness of Angela's voice makes me jump. I look around to see the cafeteria almost deserted. Everyone is heading to class. While I've been lost in my thoughts the bell must have gone. I don't know why I always do that to myself, think about all the reasons the Cullen's befriended me. It never helps. It doesn't really matter why the took me into their family anyway, just that they did.

I give an apologetic smile to Angela and drag myself to biology where the real fun will start.

As I sit down I decide to do something I've never done before.

"Hi I'm Bella." I hold out my hand for Edward to shake.

His jaw clenches shut and the pencil in his hands snaps with a load snap. He turns slowly towards me and it seems as I'm the whole world fades away and there's nothing but me and him. No mr Banner at the front sorting papers or kids on the back row defacing the textbooks. We are the only two people. When he finally faces me I can see the hard set of his face and the wild animalistic hunger that rages in his eyes. Crap, I forgot that I was his singer. Sometimes it's easy to forget the Cullen's are dangerous blood sucking vampires when they constantly smother their base instincts with false humanity, a fact I'm reminded of as I look into the face of my killer/ would be boyfriend, fiancée, husband.

He takes a deep breath and his honey golden eyes roll back in his head. His control snaps.

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

~44


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Stephane Meyer owns twilight. **

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><p>45<p>

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Smack!

I groan as I breathe in the hot dusty Phoenix air. Well that didn't go so well.

It seems as though every time I try to avoid getting on the plane Renee manages to convince me to do that very thing. Either through unintentionally making me feel guilty by saying that Charlie's been so happy at my saying I would live with him or by saying I should already use the already paid for ticket to visit him. Don't get me wrong she's thrilled that I want to stay with her, because she didn't really want me to leave in the first place, even if it meant she would have to stay apart from phil for months at a time.

That was one part of being a mother that she didn't fail in. She may have been a diabolical chef and forgetful when it came to paying for the bills, but she always put me above everything else in her life. Phil was the first man she had ever brought home for me to meet. She had dated throughout my childhood but she'd kept her family life private until she was sure that the relationship was serious and she could trust them with me. Even when she invited phil around for dinner she asked me what I thought of him afterwards. She never made me feel like second best. She valued my opinion and I loved her so much for that. Phil was a nice man, a little young maybe but nice all the same. I was happy for her.

It's because of this reason that it's making me so hesitant to do what needs to be done. I can't tell her I'm not leaving. I can't tell her I'm not going to get on that plane to Forks. I have to run away.

I blink trying to clear my eyes of the tears that have welled up there. They make my lashes stick together and wet my cheeks as they spill down my face. The clear drops taste salty on my lips.

I don't want to cause my mother any unnecessary pain. I know she'll be out of her mind with worry when she realises I've not arrived in Forks. I'm going to break her heart, just like I'm breaking mine. I know from experience the love a parent feels for a child and I know that there's nothing she wouldn't do for me just like there was nothing I wouldn't have done for Renesme.

There are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language but there isn't a single one for a parent that has lost a child. Someone who has lost a husband or a wife is a widower and a child with no parents is an orphan, but there are no words for a childless parent. I think it's because it's a different kind of love, and that there just isn't a way to describe what the magnitude of grief feels like.

"Bella! Come on sweetie we're going to be late."

"Coming!" I holler back at her as I scrub the evidence of tears from my face.

I shove on some jeans and scrape my hair back into a simple pony tail. Looking around my tidy room I look for anything I might have forgotten. Sometimes repeating stuff makes you overly cocky and forgetful. Satisfied I've got everything, I bound down the stairs to where my mother is waiting.

"Phil says he's sorry that he can't come to the airport with us honey but he has a game."

"That's alright we said goodbye last night."

For once I want him to be here. I want to look deep in to his eyes and make him promise that he'll be there for my mother in the hard times ahead. I want to know that she's going to be okay. I want to know that when my mother finds out of my disappearance she will have someone to lean on, someone to stay strong for her. I want him to tell me he will.

The car ride is filled with my mothers inane constant chatter but instead of tuning it out like I usually do, I drown myself in it. I close my eyes and focus on her voice on the way it sounds, the pitch of it, the way it resonates when she laughs, I never want to forget this moment. She seems so care free.

When the car stops I'm practically shaking. What if the cops catch me, what will I say? How could I tell my parents I ran away to get away from vampires that want to kill me because apparently my blood smells amazing? I don't think I could bare the look of hurt on their faces if they saw me again after I ran away.

"You know what mom, I can take it from here."

"Are you sure honey? I wanted to wave you off."

I wince "it's fine mom they probably won't let you past the passport and baggage checks anyway, seeing as though you don't have a ticket."

She frets for a moment before agreeing. "Alright but you _have_ to call me when you get there, and call if you have any trouble with Charlie."

"Will do mom" I say as she wraps me in a tight hug and squeezes.

As I start to walk away she shouts "call me if it's raining!"

"Mom it's Forks, it's _always_ raining!"

She chuckles and waves at me until she disappears in the busy throng of people that crowd the busy airport.

Once I get past the mile long queues for passport and baggage checks I make my way into the departure lounge. My plane doesn't board for another hour and a half and there's the delay that will be announced in a few minutes that will make it two hours till the plane boards. Perfect. The announcement of the delay will be the best time to make my move.

I make my way to the small airport bookstore and pick a few books for the journey. As I'm about to leave I go back and pick up a couple of sandwiches a bag of crisps and a few bottles of water. The cashier looks at me with a raised eyebrow, but smiles and laughs sympathetically when I embarrassedly tell her I have a long flight and that I hate plane food.

"Doesn't everyone?" She laughs and pats my hand.

Going back to the seats I sit and nervously sip on some water as wait for the announcement. It feels like people are staring at me, like I have a big sign over my head saying 'I'm running away! Please remember me and tell the police which way I went'. It's ridiculous of course because I know everybody's way to focused on their own flight to focus on the lone teenager sitting quietly in one of the lounge seats.

I'm so busy looking around checking people aren't looking at me that I almost miss the lady announce the delays over the tannoy system. Relived I can finally get out of here I make an over exaggerated groan for the security cameras and drag myself to the toilets. It's important that I don't raise suspicions. If I'd have left as soon as I'd arrived it would have seemed fishy when the were watching the tapes back trying to find me. This way is much more unassuming. Just a normal bored out of her brains teenager looking for something to do before her flight.

I spend some time in a cubicle before going to wash my hands and stepping out of the second exit, just like I did when I was here with Alice and Jasper. When I notice the camera above the exit I lean against the door pretending to breathe in the hot smoggy air and then lazily make my way down the steps. Making sure it just looks like a tired walk I make my way over to where the coaches park nearby and wait sitting on the nearby curb.

This is it I'm finally doing this. It's nerve wracking and exhilarating all at the same time, although mostly scary as hell. I can feel adrenaline pumping around my body and it steadies my resolve. When a group of people walk past I covertly mingle with them hiding from all the cameras. I can see an exit up ahead so I dart out of the group and across the narrow road.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Thud.

Pain explodes in my hip and in my back, and I'm left lying crumpled thirty feet away staring at the pale blue Phoenix sky that seems to be swirling and crashing down on me.

You have to be shitting me, I didn't even make it out of the car park for heavens sake! Ugggghhhhhhhh!

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

~ 46

..." I hate plane food." I say blushing.

The cashier laughs and pats my hand, "doesn't everybody?"

"Yeah" I mutter making my way back to the lounge area. I feel slightly less paranoid this time around, nobody tried to stop me from leaving last time, though I wouldn't really know seeing as though I didn't exactly make it that far.

I couldn't believe it, I was hit and killed by a car in the only time I didn't look left and right. I swear my parents should have called me Murphy because everything in my life that could go wrong always does.

I'm still grumbling about the unfairness of my life when I make my way out of the airport. This time when I cross the road though I wait until the taxi drives past and then I look both ways before dashing across it to hide behind the row of busses that take up this side of the road. I breathe in shakily, the adrenaline still rushing through my veins.

I think about hailing for a cab from nearer to the entrance but that would draw to much attention to myself, the taxi driver might remember me, it's better to stay hidden. I could get on one of the busses that I'm hiding behind but they're to close to the airport and it's the first place they'll check when they find out I've disappeared. I can just imagine it now my face plastered across every television on all the states on the east coast, Amber alert, my dad will make sure of it. Why can I never just be the wall flower?

I remember there's a bus station only a few miles from here and it's not to far to walk. Tightening the straps on my rucksack I set off walking to my future and hopefully my freedom from vampires.


End file.
